"Same River Twice" (1996): I Could Barely Wade Through Once. A Feature Films for Families Movie Review.

I've never given a movie a star rating, but if I had to, I'd give Same River Twice a half star, solely for not getting water on the camera lens.

I've seen thousands of movies, but Same River Twice ranks in my bottom twenty. What are the others? Armageddon is definitely in there. Also, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (which manages to make kung-fu boring), and the pretentious pap that is 2001: A Space Odyssey. Yeah, I hate on some heavy hitters. I haven't watched a movie as painful as Same River Twice since I endured Mannequin back in 2020.

Same River Twice is a Feature Films for Families production. Operating from 1987 to 2024, Feature Films for Families sold a full line of merchandise in addition to their VHS tapes and DVDs, including their own coloring books, sheet music from FFFF movies, and stuffed animals based on their properties. This organization was run by members of the Mormon church, and its products were sold through direct phone sales. It was telemarketing straight outta Utah. In 2018, a $487,735 federal lawsuit against Feature Films for Families for contacting 117 million people on the national Do Not Call Registry crippled the company's operations. Also, Feature Films for Families was found to have lied about its proceeds being donated to police and fire departments. Nobody's perfect, Your Honor.

I actively look for physical media Feature Films for Families releases because autism. It's not hard to find their VHS tapes in thrift stores or flea markets. I picked up this DVD version of Same River Twice at a rummage sale of a work friend. I'd never heard of the film. There may have been a reason.

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Same River Twice is really just a bunch of stuff happening, which isn't the same thing as a plot. As best as I can recall, a bunch of old friends reunite to go white water rafting, in order to come to terms with their respective life challenges. I have no idea why this makes sense. The movie didn't make me care. One of the guys (who looks a lot like Phil Hartman) has a young daughter who is terminally ill. So like anyone would do, he decides to take a raft down a river. During this excursion, he recalls when his group lost some dude whom we see via flashback for about one second, because actors cost money. He realizes that he can get along without his daughter (who is probably calling for him on her deathbed at that moment), because he got through the loss of this random boating guy. Heartwarming.

Then there's the rafter trying to bond with his estranged son and ex-wife, both of whom are conveniently tagging along on the trip! Could there be a family reunion in the works? I guess probably. In truth, my wife and I were laughing for half the film, challenging ourselves to sit through this turkey. I can't remember how Same River Twice ended; I was just glad that it did.

This movie is so bad that a good portion of it is dedicated to poop jokes: There's a porta-potty (complete with its own tent) that the crew takes to every stop, and there are plenty! This is either the world's longest river, or they only go 100 yards at a stretch. Everyone tries to shirk setting up and cleaning out the fecal bucket, but why would anyone in real life bother to carry a toilet on a raft, when you're camping in the middle of the woods? It's a plot contrivance that might work for a one-off gag, but this movie attempts to make a routine of the thing, and it gets old fast. But then, these guys bring tons of unnecessary gear, including chef uniforms for when they cook, and formal dining wear for those meals under the stars! What, no reception table? Everyone in the group talks about “style points” for some reason. They're all friends; who are they trying to impress? I've never been whitewater rafting, but I'm fairly certain no one brings candelabras.

Some Feature Films for Families output is actually really good; definitely check out gritty The Mighty Pawns and the time-traveler Split Infinity. But the potty humor is definitely fitting for Same River Twice. It's a turd.

Take a look at more Retro Injection movie reviews, including these underrated '80s horror movies!

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